Spin

I'm alone again.
I know I'm always complaining of loneliness, despite the myriad of people around me.
There's just this loneliness that nothing can touch.
Nothing can.
And the emptiness haunts me too.

News

I've regressed again, I'm back where I started.
I hurt myself again.
I couldn't help it.
The emotional pain was just too much to bear. I couldn't take it anymore.
So there. I'm back to square one.

Silence

I am maimed.
I've got no words to say about this thing that's happening to me.
I don't understand it.
I was put on 30mg of Remeron for depression on top if my 5mg abilify, 6mg invega, 100mg lamictal, 2 mg biperiden and 2 mg clonazepam.
I hope it works out okay. I'm just feeling really tired right now.
I'll go to sleep now.

Waiting for Something to Change

I don't know anymore where I stand or what to do. I'm always in between whatever it is I am in. Never completely there or here.
I want certainty in my life. I want things to be sure. I want to know where I stand with you. But these things are hard to come by and I know this.
I just want to sit in a corner and cry. I just want to lay down under the covers and spill out my tears. And the sad thing is, I don't even know why I feel this way.
Sure, there are triggers, but I don't feel them so intensely now to make something of it. I feel nothing, nothing at all except this black, black hole in the middle of my stomach. I'm depressed.
I know I am. I could feel it creeping up on me since last week, when I came back from Boracay. I don't feel wanted, or needed.
It's not that I don't have friends and family for support. There's just this loneliness at the pit of my stomach that nothing can touch. I don't know why it's like this. Maybe a symptom of Borderline? Cyclothymia or even (God forbid) schizoaffective?
I think I'll go to the bathroom now and just hang my head and let the tears fall naturally, with gravity.
I think that's what I'll do.
Bye for now.

Ayayay

I've got nothing to do. Literally. I wish I would just sleep and wake up and all my bags are packed already. hahahaha. I don't feel like packing yet.
I've got nothing to say too.
So I'll end here.

Goddamnit

I'm so fucking bored.
I'm meeting Kevin at Starbucks later at 2pm, then going straight to the parlor at 6, meeting with Isis there, and then I think she'll introduce me to this guy. Sounds like an activity filled day noh? Not quite. Right now I'm not doing anything. I'm just bored out of my wits.
Oh what about tomorrow? The WHOLE fucking day I won't have anything to do. Really. I'll probably take Clonazepam in the morning so that I'll be asleep the whole day. Will pack sunday na.
Notice that my posts aren't filled with emo-ness for once. I don't know why. I'm bringing my moleskine to Boracay, so I can write away my thoughts there. Perfect.

Aaaack!

I'm not bored. I'm just sleepy. I will sleep in a while. So what's new? I'll be left home alone from friday to sunday. It's fine. I'm used to it. I'll probably go out with my friends tomorrow. Isis is setting me up with somebody. Hehehe. And I'm planning to get a brazilian wax. Isis will be there to support me as I go through the procedure. I just realized that Isis and Barbie are always there for all my firsts. Hahahaha. Enough detail.
Basta I'm happy. That's what counts.