The Broken Mind

In A Sigh

2010-08-13T10:47:00.000+08:00

Oh how I love you...

In The Thick Of It

2010-07-12T18:01:00.001+08:00

I'm still caught in the middle, with no intention of stopping whatsoever.

This is life for me now.

And, I think I love it.

Really

2010-06-08T20:06:00.001+08:00

This is for real.
This isn't play anymore.
This isn't just screwing around anymore.

I have to trust him.
And I have to trust myself.
I find that as long as I am doing the right thing regarding this, that I will have no regrets in the future.

As I said before, I am irrevocably in love.

And I am suddenly wanting a souvenir that I dare not have...

After All This Time

2010-05-31T03:35:00.002+08:00

It's 3 AM and I'm writing in a blog I have not opened in a year. This is just crazy.
I'm just bored and I've nothing else to do anyway.
I'm missing someone right now. Intensely.
He'll be back tomorrow, and that's great.
I'm too in love for comfort.
Again, I feel too much...
But so what?
I am in love and I'm happy about it. I know I shouldn't be, that's a given, but I am. I am irrevocably in love. I cannot deny its existence. And I cannot discount the things I'm doing to ensure that nothing threatens that love. Nothing.
Shit. I'm so deep in this. Too deep. Deeper than I can afford to be.
But I am here.
Oh yes, I am so here.

Spin

2009-05-18T13:26:00.001+08:00

I'm alone again.
I know I'm always complaining of loneliness, despite the myriad of people around me.
There's just this loneliness that nothing can touch.
Nothing can.
And the emptiness haunts me too.

News

2009-05-16T15:12:00.001+08:00

I've regressed again, I'm back where I started.
I hurt myself again.
I couldn't help it.
The emotional pain was just too much to bear. I couldn't take it anymore.
So there. I'm back to square one.

Silence

2009-05-13T15:07:00.002+08:00

I am maimed.
I've got no words to say about this thing that's happening to me.
I don't understand it.
I was put on 30mg of Remeron for depression on top if my 5mg abilify, 6mg invega, 100mg lamictal, 2 mg biperiden and 2 mg clonazepam.
I hope it works out okay. I'm just feeling really tired right now.
I'll go to sleep now.

Waiting for Something to Change

2009-05-11T16:44:00.002+08:00

I don't know anymore where I stand or what to do. I'm always in between whatever it is I am in. Never completely there or here.
I want certainty in my life. I want things to be sure. I want to know where I stand with you. But these things are hard to come by and I know this.
I just want to sit in a corner and cry. I just want to lay down under the covers and spill out my tears. And the sad thing is, I don't even know why I feel this way.
Sure, there are triggers, but I don't feel them so intensely now to make something of it. I feel nothing, nothing at all except this black, black hole in the middle of my stomach. I'm depressed.
I know I am. I could feel it creeping up on me since last week, when I came back from Boracay. I don't feel wanted, or needed.
It's not that I don't have friends and family for support. There's just this loneliness at the pit of my stomach that nothing can touch. I don't know why it's like this. Maybe a symptom of Borderline? Cyclothymia or even (God forbid) schizoaffective?
I think I'll go to the bathroom now and just hang my head and let the tears fall naturally, with gravity.
I think that's what I'll do.
Bye for now.

Ayayay

2009-05-02T13:54:00.000+08:00

I've got nothing to do. Literally. I wish I would just sleep and wake up and all my bags are packed already. hahahaha. I don't feel like packing yet.
I've got nothing to say too.
So I'll end here.

Goddamnit

2009-05-01T11:47:00.002+08:00

I'm so fucking bored.
I'm meeting Kevin at Starbucks later at 2pm, then going straight to the parlor at 6, meeting with Isis there, and then I think she'll introduce me to this guy. Sounds like an activity filled day noh? Not quite. Right now I'm not doing anything. I'm just bored out of my wits.
Oh what about tomorrow? The WHOLE fucking day I won't have anything to do. Really. I'll probably take Clonazepam in the morning so that I'll be asleep the whole day. Will pack sunday na.
Notice that my posts aren't filled with emo-ness for once. I don't know why. I'm bringing my moleskine to Boracay, so I can write away my thoughts there. Perfect.

Aaaack!

2009-04-30T14:49:00.001+08:00

I'm not bored. I'm just sleepy. I will sleep in a while. So what's new? I'll be left home alone from friday to sunday. It's fine. I'm used to it. I'll probably go out with my friends tomorrow. Isis is setting me up with somebody. Hehehe. And I'm planning to get a brazilian wax. Isis will be there to support me as I go through the procedure. I just realized that Isis and Barbie are always there for all my firsts. Hahahaha. Enough detail.
Basta I'm happy. That's what counts.

Stability

2009-04-28T11:29:00.001+08:00

I'm happy today. Really looking forward to seeing my friends later and tomorrow. I don't feel so alone anymore. Hurrah!
I just realized that I don't know how to love. I really don't. Love is what? Addiction? Passion? Is it freedom or restriction? I don't know
How do I love best? I've been struggling with this question the past few days. I'll find the answer soon enough, I hope.

Wishes

2009-04-27T15:30:00.001+08:00

Dear God,

Show me the way. Show me what I am destined to do. Show me my path. Oh Lord, I am trapped in a ravine that I myself dug. I have no other words of comfort to ease my suffering. I am hating myself right now for being this way. You know what's in my heart. You know what's on my mind. You know the games I play. I pray you will love me even after all of that. I made a promise that I couldn't keep, but I am keeping it now. Show me how best to love. Show me the meaning of that word. I'm sorry for all my transgressions. I'm sorry for the past. I'm sorry for all the lives I tinkered with. I plan to be a straight arrow from now on. Will you let me? Or do you prefer me wavering in the darkness like before? Lord, I feel so much better now and I know it's through the miracles of neurotransmitters which you have created. Thank you for all my blessings. Thank you for everything. Thank you for your patience. I will get there, God, I will get there.

Blind

2009-04-26T21:07:00.002+08:00

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
I play mindgames like an addiction. I play by other people's rules like a hurricane in the middle of summer. I hate how I feel. Because I don't know how I feel, really. I think this thing masquerading as stability will be short-lived. And I will be back to the same gnawing pain I've had for years. I can just picture it: howling in the depths of the night, not knowing where to place my shattered heart. I place it on the windowsill, for everyone to see. But the much-needed rescue isn't ever going to come... It never does.
Oh yes, I've tried praying, but God is probably deaf or mad at me or nonexistent. I don't know. Maybe he just has a different plan for me right now, and it's a plan that I stubbornly disagree with.
God, I know I am your bastard child, but this pain cannot be justified at all. If you're listening, please show me the way. Could you be telling me something that I'm afraid to hear? Most likely.
You are the frost in winter that numbs me down.

Silver

2009-04-25T12:43:00.000+08:00

I'm trying to unwind myself from your clumsy fingertips.
And I think I'm capable of doing it. I can do it.
My confidence wanes, though, as night approaches and the loneliness of the nocturne overtakes my heart once more. Maybe I just need something to help me sleep (i.e. forget about you). I need my rivotril again, it seems, because I have trouble sleeping at night.
I'm addicted to you, I believe. But I can quench this addiction should I want to. I can also get over it when I will. But I don't will it yet. Not yet. Sometime soon perhaps. But not today.

Tongue-tied

2009-04-24T09:38:00.000+08:00

...and profane. I cannot seek out a way from this cage. I cannot fathom the feel and meaning of freedom anymore. You caged me in because now, I've got my blinkers on and all I see is you.
Tantamount to this is the pervasive fear of being left behind again.
I am terrified, I tell you.
Simply terrified.

Steady

2009-04-22T12:04:00.000+08:00

I am fine today.
I am not happy nor sad, just haunted by the memories of better days gone by. *sigh*
If I could relive the past, I would. And I'd change how I did things. I'd change who I am today. Because I'm not really liking what I am right now- and I'm not even sure what that is. For sure, it's something vague and blurry, but what else?
I don't know.

The Calm Before the Storm

2009-04-21T21:39:00.000+08:00

That's how I feel today.
I don't know what to write when I'm happy. I don't do happiness. I don't do joy. It's always the sadness and loneliness that I can write about.
So here's my take: I'm not depressed today, I'm happy today. But you creep into my mind and pull me apart.
I hate this. I hate this quasi-life: thinking of you while everything is happening. Because your'e always at the back of my mind nowadays and I don't like it. I'll do everything in my power to push you out of my head.
I don't like running after things in flight. But I know, someday soon, things will reveal themselves before my eyes and I'm trying to prepare for that life. Trying to eek out a semblance of being stable even after the crash I will surely face.
Let's see. Let's just wait (and here I am an expert) and see (my mind is blindfolded to some degree).

Echoes

2009-04-20T14:19:00.000+08:00

I don't know how to proceed in this sordid masquerade of a life. I don't even know if I should proceed in the first place. Is there anything for me here? Oh, I know I'm selfish. I always want to have something and I always want what I cannot have. Does that mean I don't have you? Probably yes.
All I do all day is blog and think of you. You in your lonely isolation, you in your dreams. And I wrap myself around your fingertips because I know no other way than this. And I already said that you're just an addiction I can't overcome. You're just that: an addiction. Nothing more and nothing less.
I weep under the arid sky of my heart because this is the way I choose to live. I choose the gravity of emotions to the lightness that is the wonder of life. I choose the weight of sadness over the conevenience of being happy. Why? Why? Why?
I don't know, again. I am wired this way.

Impending Wreckage

2009-04-20T11:05:00.000+08:00

I just know I won't see you again after the time comes. I'll be alone again, for the nth time in my life. Right now, I don't mind.
But I will mind it when that day comes for goodbyes again. I will surely mind. And I know I'll destabilize again. Will have to see Dr. LB more frequently. Haaay. The perils of being mentally interesting.
I don't know what else to say except I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything I've done. If I were you, I wouldn't forgive me for a lifetime. I mean, all the things I said will just hit me in the face again, each time I encounter a memory in my mind.
Oh, let's just wait and see. That's all I do nowadays anyway: wait. Waiting for certain things, for school to start again.
I wonder about 3rd year. What will it be like? What will I do? What monstrous tasks do I have to do again? But this is a good kind of waiting. I'm loving it, actually.
But I do nothing all day except jog in the morning with my friends. That's good, I suspect, it takes up two hours of my 12-hour day, at least. But what do I do for the next 10 hours? Nothing. Nothing at all.

Give You Back

2009-04-19T21:35:00.000+08:00

I'm letting go, I think. It's just that something changed. A lot has changed, actually. For example, I don't know right now if I love you or hate you. That sort of thing. You know what I mean?
The irreclaimable was fathered by a moment, I said. And it's true. The moment that I transgressed you, you turned away from me. Or, more precisely, you turned things around. And I can't hope for forgiveness. We're the same, you and I. Exactly the same.
And that's also why this may lead to nowhere in particular. Because we clash in our antics. We clash so goddamn well. You have your pride and I have mine. You have your mind games, I have mine. You have your anger and I have mine. You have your wounds and I have plenty of mine.
You see now? You see?
No you don't.
And I know why: I've hurt you far too many times for me to hope for recovery. If I you had done the things I did to you, I wouldn't forgive you in a lifetime.
I guess I have to be glad, in a way, that you're still even here. Maybe that's all I have to be glad for. Maybe that's the apex of everything and nothing more.
Nothing more. The words pound my head against the wall. But what can I do? Hope to change the past, again? I've learned that the past never resurrects itself no matter how much I wish for redemption. Never again. I have to learn to live with the phrase and stop being a metaphysicist. No, pipay, the past cannot be undone by the future. And no matter how hard I try, I can never hope for an exact repetition.
The past was imperfect and so the present, as a product of the past, will always be flawed.

Dying of Boredom

2009-04-17T17:31:00.000+08:00

I'm so bored. And so I resort to flashing old scenes through my head. Scenes from the past I want to relive; from the past that I want to correct. The scenes are as vivid as if they happened yesterday. It's amazing how alive I was; how vibrant the memories come. It was like a wave was passing through my head. Bringing back happier times; the saner times; the times I want to happen again. But it's over now. I can't bring them back. And I can't correct them either.
So what do I do? I wait. I'm an excellent wait-er. That's what I do best. Mix in a little anxiety, and you've got me mapped out.
I've resigned to living my life these days like this. Because I have nothing else to do but wait for time to pass. Time, I learned, is quite cosmic that way.
And I'm playing songs that remind me of the past. Songs that would take me back to that place in my mind, untouched by the hurricanes in my heart. I keep wanting to know where the players in my past are: what they're doing, how they're doing and if the past haunts them too. I suspect not. They are sturdier than the trees. They forget things like throwing sheets of crumpled paper into the wastebin.
But I'm not as sturdy, nor as wasteful. I keep things forever. It's a disadvantage, I guess, on my part, because it's hard for me to get over the things that transpired; the moments wherein I transgressed my heart for my mind. I will never do that again: listening to my head instead of my heart. It brought me to logical nowheres.
Logical nowheres: places of sand and wind and caverns. I shudder now when I remember. When I remember, when I remember, when I remember.

Alone Again? Naturally

2009-04-17T11:59:00.001+08:00

I find myself alone again, despite my best efforts. Well, what can I do? Run after you? No way. That's not my style.
I am so damn bored. Nothing to do now but stare into space, pray to God and smoke. I thanked God last night because I passed second year medical school.
I never expected it to be that way.
Not in my wildest dreams.
But then, I tend to look down on myself too much. Time to give myself a metaphysical makeover, I guess.

Decode

2009-04-16T22:53:00.000+08:00

I'm finally beginning to unknow you... I'm returning to life before you came along. It's back to baseline, basically.
I don't trust myself in these matters at all. I tend to be hypersensitive to rejection and abandonment.
But I just know you've gone away for good. I hated that you had to slowly slip away. I prefer sharp edges; I prefer complete silence to volumes turned down irritatingly low.

---
I just found out I passed second year unscathed. I'm so fucking happy!!!

I don't know

2009-04-15T10:58:00.001+08:00

I don't know where you've gone.
And you left me stranded on this island of feeling.
I wish you didn't go.
I wish you stayed.
Am I allowed to pray to the God above?
But what kind of God permits us to meet but does not permit us to stay together?

What To Do When You Fall Through The Cracks

2009-04-07T08:23:00.001+08:00

Today, the day started out sublime. I appreciated the cold morning breeze as I walked around the block and smoked my cigarettes.

When you fall through the cracks, it will be a very lonely place, but there are people there who will catch you. There is always someone there to catch you. The place is dark, and smells like old furniture couches that have dust settled in their interior. The stars don’t shine all the time and the moon is an early-comer.

The night stretches out like a big cat, relaxing after a meal. The nocturne might drive you crazy after all the sunlit days being your background after all these years. But you will persevere, like you have done, countless times before.

And I no longer believe in reincarnation. I no longer believe that you and I met lifetimes before. You fuelled my delusions so potently. Well, not anymore.

My quest to be normal is dying down on me. I will just be myself, and that will make all the difference.

I just hope I am still loved after this decision. Will you run, half-screaming, half-aching, from me? I’m no such monster, you must know that by now. But will the way you know me now, be a factor after what I will show you? Can’t you see? I’m not crazy. I never was. And will you swallow that fact as you swallow your beer? Bitter, yet, just fine?

I see you there, waving in the distance, and I don’t know you. I cannot predict, at this point, how you will react towards me after you know. It’s a bit disheartening, really, but sooner or later, the knowledge has to come to your attention like shapes moving in the periphery. Will these phantoms scare you away from me?

There’s only one way to find you out.

Stillness

2009-04-06T19:43:00.000+08:00

I'm crazy about you, I tell the cold bathroom walls. They echo nothing in response. They never do. Not in my crimson laden nights, not in the stillness of the night air.
I'm dying to tell you this. I'm dying to reach out to you.
Will stardust ever touch the earth?
Will I get to tell you 'I love you' for once in my life.
This post is patched up- it pertains to no one in particular. I am a mix of different things, in different shades of different color.
And I miss you, I tell the empty room. And this is to no one in particular too. I miss the different worlds that I have so happily immersed myself in.
So I immerse myself in books, and books and books.
They will be my companions in your wake.

Start Anew

2007-11-23T19:43:00.000+08:00

I don't know why I'm creating this blog. I'm maintaining 2 other blogs besides. I think I just want the power to customize my blog. It's a different thing when I can choose what my blog will look like.
---
And you weren't there. I don't expect to see you ever again.